An open question to Jews By Choice
I’ve got a surprising number of friends who are converts to Judaism. (”Surprising number” means 5. In my experience, converts to Judaism are few and far between, so 5 is actually quite a lot.) I was having a discussion with one of them the other day about the “convert problem” in the Jewish community at large, and in the Orthodox community specifically.
It’s a sorry state of affairs, but the fact is, the Jewish community is regularly guilty of breaking the Torah prohibition, “do not oppress the convert.” Many secular Jews, who see their Judaism as almost purely cultural, feel threatened by the “outsider” who embraces Judaism without much familiarity or experience with Jewish culture. The Orthodox community will often question a convert’s halachik authenticity, sometimes even decades after that person has been living a dedicated Torah lifestyle. Among the more right-wing elements of the Orthodox community, long-time converts are often asked to bring proof of the authenticity of their conversion before others will consider their children as potential shidduchim. In Israel, the rabbinate (a political body which, I personally beleive, is extremely corrupt) is beginning to reject American Orthodox conversions, and even annul some conversions years after the fact. (If you’re interested in reading more about the topic, Aliza Hausman over at Memoirs of a Jewminicana blogs extensively about this stuff.) Understatement of the year: being a Jewish convert is tough.
We’re a very insular people in many ways – we’re clannish, we beleive that Judaism is something you’re born into, Judaism is sometimes just as much about culture as it is about religion (even for Orthodox Jews, though we’re usually loathe to admit it). It’s hard for an outsider to break into that. Often, after someone converts to Judaism, the last thing they want is to be seen as “The Convert.” They want to fit in, to not be perpetually seen as different. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes, converts are very eager to share their experiences and thoughts.
Now, here’s where my question comes into play. As someone who is very interested in how different people relate to their Judaism, I am always intensly curious about what it is that brought a convert to Judaism. I don’t want to make them feel different or inferior; I simply want to learn, to have a fascinating conversation with someone who’s embraced Judaism with a full heart. But when I meet someone who I know (or suspect) is a convert, I never know what to do. Is it ok to ask questions, or should I simply pretend that I don’t know? When is it ok to point out someone’s differences, and when must I simply put up and shut up? What’s the best way to approach a Jew By Choice about his or her conversion, if there’s a way to do it at all?
M advice? Never ask someone about it if you suspect but they have not verbalized it to you in the moment. If you’re talking and it comes up, ask, sure. But if someone mentions it and two weeks later youi bring it back up, that can be awkward. But converion always comes up in my experience, and I am elated to discuss. But some are not. If the “I am a convert” revelation is said in a way that is short and without a tone of “I am willing to discuss this” then don’t carry on the convo.
Sometimes you might never really find out their derek.
The “why I did it” is more than a blog comment, but heres a few thoughts on how I live it:
1) The OJs and UOJs who might question me or not count me for a minyan, long run, its their problem not mine but we all lose. We dont bring the redemption any closer this way. They remind me in a way of the White Pride skinheads in the punk community from when I was a kid, always wanting to be holier than thou over one thing or another.
2) My wife and I converted together, I’m white, she’s Japanese. Of course many people assume I’m the born Jew and that she converted for marriage. This bugs me more than issue 1 above.
3) I dont mind people asking and in fact I tend to bring it up early in the conversation when I meet someone for the first time to save them any awkwardness or questions about me.
BTW the “as seen on TV” graphic is hilarious!
I guess that’s good advice. It’s frustrating when you’d like to have a conversation with someone, and yet you know it’s really best to just keep your mouth shut. Maybe I just need to learn to control my curiosity, until the other person brings up the issue themselves.
This is one of my favored topics. I’m always enthusiastic about the prospect
of ‘others’ converting to Judaism, and as long as they pass muster with a
Bet Din of any Jewish religious movement, I’m satisfied with the ‘legitimacy’ of the conversion. I never ask, and I mean never. I get a bit miffed when I learn of a convert who is stuck in the self-doubt mode concerning his/her conversion; this I encounter too often when viewing Jewish blogs. The convert to Judaism, once converted, is no longer a convert; that person is then and forever Jewish, complete with a self-discovered Nashama Elochim. So be it!
Shvach – Thanks for the comment. If only the Israeli rabbinate agreed with you! Their attitude towards conversion always surprises me – accepting converts as 100% authentic Jews isn’t just a matter of tolerance and respect, it’s a matter of halacha! Really, it boggles my mind sometimes how people can ignore halacha in the name of halacha.
my judaism is patralineal in my family. i decided to convert to judaism 2 years ago. my main reasons were and still are to get closer to the word of gd and to infuse my faith with my everyday…judaism and i are a perfect match. however, letting people know i’m a convert is not something i will do when i first meet them. my decision for doing this was because i started to feel (not sure if it is real or not) that this knowledge was creating an inaccurate perception of me. i feel this more among the orthodox than any other jewish sect. my concerns are that i will not be see as authentic because it was a conservative conversion and that i know very little.
also, the fact that i am single is magnified ten fold in the small jewish community compared to being single in the larger pond/general community. not having a family of my own has made practicing my faith a little difficult, since judaism practice is heavy with home ritual, but it’s not impossible. i have found my niche in my synagogue life, but there are still gaps that i struggle to fill. it’s a process, and i’m grateful that i know so many other converts with whom i can discuss my frustrations, and with whom i can share how happy i am as a jew. these are two things that i cannot share with someone who is born jewish.
I wrote an article about just this question! The Do’s and Dont’s of Talking to Converts