An open question to Jews By Choice
I’ve got a surprising number of friends who are converts to Judaism. (”Surprising number” means 5. In my experience, converts to Judaism are few and far between, so 5 is actually quite a lot.) I was having a discussion with one of them the other day about the “convert problem” in the Jewish community at large, and in the Orthodox community specifically.
It’s a sorry state of affairs, but the fact is, the Jewish community is regularly guilty of breaking the Torah prohibition, “do not oppress the convert.” Many secular Jews, who see their Judaism as almost purely cultural, feel threatened by the “outsider” who embraces Judaism without much familiarity or experience with Jewish culture. The Orthodox community will often question a convert’s halachik authenticity, sometimes even decades after that person has been living a dedicated Torah lifestyle. Among the more right-wing elements of the Orthodox community, long-time converts are often asked to bring proof of the authenticity of their conversion before others will consider their children as potential shidduchim. In Israel, the rabbinate (a political body which, I personally beleive, is extremely corrupt) is beginning to reject American Orthodox conversions, and even annul some conversions years after the fact. (If you’re interested in reading more about the topic, Aliza Hausman over at Memoirs of a Jewminicana blogs extensively about this stuff.) Understatement of the year: being a Jewish convert is tough.
We’re a very insular people in many ways – we’re clannish, we beleive that Judaism is something you’re born into, Judaism is sometimes just as much about culture as it is about religion (even for Orthodox Jews, though we’re usually loathe to admit it). It’s hard for an outsider to break into that. Often, after someone converts to Judaism, the last thing they want is to be seen as “The Convert.” They want to fit in, to not be perpetually seen as different. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes, converts are very eager to share their experiences and thoughts.
Now, here’s where my question comes into play. As someone who is very interested in how different people relate to their Judaism, I am always intensly curious about what it is that brought a convert to Judaism. I don’t want to make them feel different or inferior; I simply want to learn, to have a fascinating conversation with someone who’s embraced Judaism with a full heart. But when I meet someone who I know (or suspect) is a convert, I never know what to do. Is it ok to ask questions, or should I simply pretend that I don’t know? When is it ok to point out someone’s differences, and when must I simply put up and shut up? What’s the best way to approach a Jew By Choice about his or her conversion, if there’s a way to do it at all?
